I try really hard to keep up with this blog, because I know that someday in the future I will be grateful for the updates and documentation. I've been slacking lately, mostly because I didn't feel like I had anything "post-worthy." But that's the thing - my blog is about life in general, so I am going to talk about life. I will not be offended if you stop reading!
I'm just going to keep it real on this post. No sugar-coating. Just to make sure it's clear, this is not a "feel bad for me" post. I'm really not looking for pity, mostly just a sounding board for some of my recent thoughts and struggles. Hear me out.
Max and Clara will be 1 in less than two weeks! What?!? Totally crazy. When I was pregnant with two babies at one time, I received a lot of advice that "it get's easier" or "make it through the first year and you are good!" Right now I want to find those people who said those things (I actually cannot remember), grab them by the shoulders and say "why did you lie to me!?" Quite honestly, I feel like I'm drowning. The twins are harder now than they have ever been even though we are mere weeks away from that "blessed first birthday."
We are in the crawling phase, which means they are into everything (X2). Yet they can't do anything by themselves. For instance, if we want to get some fresh air and go outside it's not just "walk outside and get fresh air." I carry one baby out, set them in the grass and hurry to go inside to get the other. That first baby usually cries because they think I am abandoning them outside, meanwhile I have anxiety that they will crawl into the street or something crazy. I run inside, get the second baby, walk back out to the grass and set that baby down. Great, now what? Toys. I need toys. I run back inside, grab a blanket, toys, spatulas, whatever I can for them to be entertained. We sit outside, there is usually some grabbing of the face or poking of eyes, stealing toys, desperately trying to keep them separate yet happy. Whew. Ok, time for lunch. Carry one baby inside, set them down (tears), run back out and get the second baby, set them in the high chair. Oh yeah, all the toys/blankets. Get both babies in high chairs, make them happy with some puffs, and go retrieve all of the toys that I took outside that didn't really serve any purpose.
Was that worth it?!? Blech.
Anyway, that is just a blip of a 20 minute phase of my day. I think it will be better once I can say "let's go play outside! Run outside!" Haha. Oh the things I look forward to.
And then naps. Naps rule my life. I have 4 naps I am working around, so any plans I make to meet people or be somewhere at a certain time usually go out the window. People say I need to ask for help. I really do try, but usually naps get in the way. Like today for instance. I had arranged with my mom for me to drop them off for an hour so I could run some errands baby-free. I got Max down at our usual nap time, then Clara fought that second nap for over an hour until she finally crashed. 30 minutes after she crashed Max woke up. It was already 3:30. Clara didn't wake up until 4:30, so by the time I loaded two babies in the car and got to my mom's it was almost 5. I furiously ran 1 1/2 errand until I went to get the babies to meet Russ for a quick bite to eat (making dinner?! ha! Not today!). Because everything was thrown off, by the time we got to the restaurant both babies were past hunger and just plain fussy. Scarf food, speed home, get both babies in bed after much crying and screaming. I tried, I really tried.
And I must mention the exhaustion. Pure exhaustion. I'm so tired in so many ways. And that, sadly, will probably never go away.
Ok, I think my point has been made. It's been tough, and I'm just trying to "hang in there." I am trying to do things for myself - I'm actually running a 1/2 marathon in a few weeks and running makes me feel better. I know this is a phase and some day I will look back and think "wow, I got through that!"
And now it's time for bed. Mr. Max likes to wake up in the 5 o' clock hour which makes for some early mornings in this household! Again, I hope no one feels this is a pity post. Just keepin' it real.
Thanks for reading. It feels good to get those feelings out there.
I sure love my little babies.